Please God, if you’re out there, please tell Sarah Palin to STFU! 6

JISHOU, HUNAN — Stand back. I’m taking a deep breath. …


There, I feel much better.

I came back from playing billiards really badly tonight, sat down at my desk and decided to read the International Herald-Tribune website. And what should catch my eye?

Sarah Palin blames the Bush administration for the loss of the McCain-Palin campaign. Damn, this woman is quick on the draw! It took her 10 days to figure out that maybe she and John lost because they were of the same party as W. Brilliant!

With her typical lack of insight, Palin failed to recognize that they probably ran the worst presidential campaign in recent memory, and that her mere presence on the ticket killed any chance of McCain winning the presidency. It’s much easier to blame the poor sucker still occupying the White House.

The IHT article follows this amazing revelation with this frightening quote:

“I’m like, O.K., God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” Palin said in an interview with Fox News on Monday. “And if there is an open door in ’12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I’ll plow through that door.”

With a Snowcat, no doubt.

I hope the open door she finds is the one leading to some quiet little corner of Alaska where the Palin brood can retreat and never come back to the lower 48 ever again. I know it won’t happen, though. Palin has a fanbase, who see her as the standard bearer of the GOP in 2012 or ’16, and who have collectively filled her little self-absorbed peabrain with delusions of grandeur.

She goes on, trying to convince everyone that really, she didn’t want all those clothes. The campaign staff forced her to wear those designer duds, and now she has the onerous job of sorting out which clothes belong to the family and which belong to the GOP.

Sayeth her father, Chuck Heath:

… Palin was “just frantically” trying to sort stuff out. “That’s the problem, you know, the kids lose underwear, and everything has to be accounted for. Nothing goes right back to normal.”

Underwear? The GOP bought the kids underwear? Palin, I thought, was a supermom. Surely she can tell the difference between old undies and new undies. I mean, how hard is it to sort designer clothes from plain-old clothes? I could do it, easy, if I of course had designer clothes to sort.

(And while I’m venting, is it really true that Piper, age 7, was walking around in platform shoes while carrying Trig or Trip or Trill or whatever the baby’s name is? What God-fearing “Wal-Mart mom” puts her God-fearing child in hooker shoes, then lets her carry a baby up the fucking stairs?)

(One more: so why wasn’t Piper in school while Sarah Six-Pack was traipsing around the lower 48 in her unwanted designer outfits trying to whip up some — any — support for her ticket? Obama’s kids were in school.)

Palin is from all reports a religious woman. She really does believe that God chose her to be Wasilla’s mayor and Alaska’s governor. Maybe she also credits divine guidance in her vice-presidential nomination. (I credit more temporal influences, but I’m an agnostic cynic.)

So, if God is really out there, and if he really could give a rat’s ass about Palin running for the presidency, I hope He/She/It either tells her to forget about it, or lets her win in some parallel universe far from ours, just to have a godly laugh. It would make a cool Christmas gift for the saner members of this earthly plane.

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6 thoughts on “Please God, if you’re out there, please tell Sarah Palin to STFU!

  1. Reply Yoo Nov 14,2008 1:03 pm

    I sometimes feel like screaming at the screen whenever Palin shows up. Enough about her! All she goes on about is how great she is and how everything is someone else’s fault and how dumb she isn’t, blah, blah, blah, and all the while proving the exact opposite …

  2. Reply Emily Plant (via Facebook) Nov 16,2008 12:30 am

    haha, love it. at least she provided some humor to the campaign!!!

  3. Reply Chris Cappiello (via Facebook) Nov 16,2008 12:38 am

    well, obama won 😀 so now its all over

  4. Reply Mike Foshee (via Facebook) Nov 16,2008 2:55 am

    well said wheat-dawg
    well now the obama won, we get a chance to laugh at all the dumb stuff sarah palin did.

  5. Reply Nioo Yang (via Facebook) Nov 16,2008 5:14 pm

    JOHN,you seems against Palin.we are a team on this selection.

  6. Reply Ismar Iljazovic (via Facebook) Nov 19,2008 11:19 pm

    Well said indeed. I'm with you on all fronts here.

    I wonder whether it was her god who did us all a favor by doing everything it could to NOT let her win this election?

    Of course not.

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